Interpersonal Communication #12

And so we come to the end -- the final journal of my Interpersonal Communication theory-filled semester. Can't say I'm happy to see it go, since I've quite enjoyed over-analyzing my life to a point of obsession.

Chapter 13 is a treasure trove of relational transgressions... these are the offenses that can harm our relationships in more ways than one. But since there are many, I want to talk about one of the most important--even most common--ways: deception. Deception comes in many types. Outright lying, hiding secrets, telling half-truths, and "conveniently forgetting some details" (my personal favorite method) are all forms of deception.

Deception can really hurt if/when it is uncovered. It can break a relationship apart or even have worse consequences than telling the truth would have had. So why do we do it? Well, there are different motives of deception, each of which will affect whether or not we choose to deceive.

The first motive is partner-focused deception. This is the type of deception that looks out for your partner's well-being. You don't want them to get hurt, and/or you think this deception is helping their self esteem. If my girlfriend says "does this make me look fat?" and I say "no" (when in fact she looks like Free Willy), I might be lying to protect her from the truth (and protect my face from being knocked in).

The second motive is self-focused. As you might be able to tell from the title, this is the type of deception that looks out for yourself, so you won't get hurt. It can even be a deception that makes you look better. For instance, if I went out on a date and told the girl I was a millionaire, this might make me more attractive to her. Hence, for me, it would be very self-focused.

The last motive for deception is relationship-focused. This motive tries to avoid interpersonal conflict or steer the relationship away from experiencing some unpleasant event. While the "partial truth" may be something harmless, relationship-focused deception is the kind that can be well-meaning, but still very harmful if it is found out. For instance, if I go to the movies with a group of friends, including my ex-girlfriend, a relationship-focused deception strategy would be to just tell my current girlfriend that I went to the movie with friends (and "conveniently omit" the fact that my ex was there).

All in all, deception can seem like a good idea, but trust me when I say it is a crappy one. I have tried too many times to hide the truth, but perhaps my atrocious poker face gives away what's really going on. The shit storm that follows is very often not pretty.

Well, that's all for today (and the semester, I guess). Wasn't this fun?! Guess I'll continue to try to blog anyway, if I find the time. Until next time, cheers!

Interpersonal Communication #11

Chapter 14 deals with everyone's favorite topic: conflict. Oh boy, this can be a hefty topic to jump into. Wars are started because of it. Societies crumble because of it. They even teach whole classes on it! (No, really, they do. I took one last semester.)

Conflict is something none of us are strangers to. Whether we like it or not, we all have to deal with it. Obviously, conflict can weaken our relationships. However, it also has the immense power to strengthen them -- what really matters is how we deal with our conflicts.

There are many styles we can use to deal with conflict. Among them, there are people who avoid, people who compete, people who collaborate, people who compromise, yada, yada, yada (love Seinfeld!). The list goes on and on... many tactics can be used, depending on personality type. For me, I know that I am very competitive and tend to think of conflict as a battle where I need to et the upper hand. The toughest types of people for me to deal with are the ones who avoid. I cannot STAND when my friends bottle things up and become passive-aggressive... way to be an ass!

Different tactics can come into play during conflict, as well -- and many of them are destructive. Bonus: some of them even have really funny names! Like "gunnysacking," which is where you store up a plethora of offenses, then "dump" them all on the person you're conflicting with all at once. There's also "kitchen-sinking," where you bring up past arguments and offenses that are long over. Admittedly, I have been guilty of some of these, but it doesn't mean I haven't recognized these harmful methods.

Currently, we can look to TV for many examples of conflict (albeit played out in a very Hollywood-esque way!). NBC currently airs a show called "Perfect Couples," a comedy that looks at three couples who all handle conflict in different ways. Admittedly, the show is not very good, but each episode is a guilty pleasure of mine and always makes me laugh and think about my way of handling conflicts. For instance, in the pilot episode, each of the three couples are faced with the same dilemma: one person hogs the entire bed, while their respective partners each figure out a different way to get back onto the bed and let their significant other know how they feel about the lack of space/courtesy.

When Amy takes up too much room on the bed, Vance gets competitive, wakes her up, and they get into a huge fight about their bad behaviors (a lot of kitchen-sinking here!). When Lee takes up the bed, Rex avoids conflict and takes the floor. And when Julia makes the whole space hers, Dave tries to compromise by just curling up in the fetal position and taking the small bit of empty space that is left. Comical, but very true to how many of us act in life.

I could write a lot more about conflict here, but I have already written massive papers about it, had many exams on it, and experienced it more times than I would like. For now, I have to get to sleep... And I can have the bed all to myself.

Interpersonal Communication #10

Our next topic is privacy and secrecy in relationships. To make this applicable, I am going to use personal experiences. And since this is a blog that averages 1.8 viewers a month, I am going to post all my intimate secrets here.

Not really.

But see my point? I don't post all my secrets, because there are some parts to each of us that we keep private from anybody else. And this is a part of every single one of our relationships in life.

Boundaries!

These are established in all of our relationships, and it's no doubt that each of us have had to negotiate these with our different relational partners. Mom wants too much information about your social life? A friend asks something deeply personal? These are examples where boundaries need to be set between what you reveal and what you keep private.

Of course, there is a challenge that comes into some relationships, and it's a dramatic one! Obsessive Relational Intrusion -- "DUH, DUH, DUUUH!!" (haha, I just love the name of this -- it is so over-the-top! :P)

Obsessive Relational Intrusion (or ORI... see what I did there?) takes many forms, and I can guarantee that I have experience with many of them. I think I am kind of an ORI perpetrator, in some ways. But aren't we all? I love to prod people for juicy gossip, but it can sometimes start pushing the envelope of privacy. I guess I'd better watch it from now on. :/

Conversely, there are plenty of times when certain people in my life have used annoying behavior, passive-aggressive texts, and many other forms to pry into my life. I have this one friend who maybe thinks we are closer than we are, and this person always asks nosy questions, then gets "offended" when I don't reveal them -- it's like dealing with a pouty baby!

So should I take it as a compliment when ORI is used against me? Or should I be worried that said perpetrator may turn into a stalker? "DUH, DUH, DUUUH!!"

Interpersonal Communication #9

Well, we are backtracking to Chapter 4 -- and a good topic it is, indeed! Uncertainty. It can be exciting, or it can really piss us off... either way, it means we have no idea what to expect.

Uncertainty is a key topic in many of our relationships. Sometimes we wish to remain uncertain about our relational partner, because we may not want to know a horrible fact. ("You can't handle the truth!"... sorry, couldn't resist...) Other times--actually, from my experience, most of the time--we want to reduce that uncertainty.

Uncertainty can really make us uncomfortable. Just ask my friend who refused to try anything other than McDonald's when we were all in Germany. Not a single brezel or bratwurst... she needed her frickin Happy Meal. Whatever... But I get it -- uncertainty is not something that many people are comfortable with, yet it's something in every one of our relationships.

Think of it this way: when you meet someone, your guard is certainly up, because you are not certain of what you can expect. Why do you think I've never asked a girl on a date? (by the way, that's not true. or maybe it is.) Because I am uncertain of the reaction I'll get. Will she say yes? Will she morph her face into a horrific shriek? Will she throw her drink in my face? Will she just laugh?

Bottom line, I guess I really see the need for uncertainty in some relationships, but I still think it makes things overcomplicated and uncomfortable. And people generally feel that way, because we all want to reduce it. That's why we grow close with people -- over time, we break down wall after wall of uncertainty.

I am still not certain of many of my friends' reactions to my sense of humor. But it doesn't stop me from making a witty comment (read: attempting to tell a funny joke). Am I trying to break down uncertainty each time I joke? Why is there still uncertainty? I think talking this through has now made me sufficiently confused, to tell the truth... I've thought about so many of my own relationships, and now I'm kinda depressed about uncertainty. I'm gonna go eat a Happy Meal.

Interpersonal Communication #8

Tonight's topic is of particular interest for those of you who are overly analytical (like me)! We are talking about interdependence in relationships -- reading chapter 10 and learning about it in class wasn't quite enough, because I am now deeply pondering this topic. It is plaguing me.

Interdependence exists in every relationship; it is what eventually leads to the commitment levels we have in a relationship, the stability of it, and whether or not we are actually satisfied and want to stay in the relationship. Interdependence, in short, is how much we depend on the other person for benefits/resources/etc. and how much they depend on us, in turn. No doubt, just thinking about this topic should start to make you think of what you get out of your relationships.

Going hand-in-hand with this concept is that of equity. (uggh, even switching to a communication major cannot help me escape from those business terms :/)... Equity, according to our friendly neighborhood textbook, tries to determine whether distribution of resources are fair or not between relational partners. To try to balance out our equity and give us reason to stay in the relationship, we try to maximize the rewards we get from a relationship and reduce the costs.

So what does all this mean? Take, for instance, a relationship with a friend who always wants to talk with you about his/her problems. The cost for you: time, stress, etc. The benefits: you feel good about yourself, you grow close, etc. We try to weigh these in our relationships to decide if we are each equally putting a fair amount into the relationship and taking a fair amount from it. I know, for me at least, that I have many relationships where equity seems perfectly balanced -- ying and yang, Mickey and Minnie, peas and carrots, Harry and Lloyd. You get the point.

So what happens with those relationships where equity does not balance out? Should you just call it quits? My opinion is that it is your own personal choice. I know that I can certainly think of a couple relationships where I put a lot in but get almost nothing out... you know, that annoying friend we all have who just makes fun of you, is pessimistic, and is a general asshole. For me, though, the benefit is actually putting up with that kind of person (to a certain extent). I actually feel good about myself when I am nice in return, and the benefit I get is just being a kind person. Oh, who am I kidding? People like that suck.

Interpersonal Communication #7

Chapter 7: Attachment Theory. If you don't like the way you turned out, blame your parents. No, seriously. Attachment theory tells us that the way your primary caregiver responds to you when you're a child will eventually affect the way you turn out -- how "attached" you are in relationships.

To start off, let me briefly the three types of attachment. There is the "securely attached" kind, which is pretty much the majority of us. As little tykes, our parents knew when to attend to us and our needs, but also knew the right ways to let us fend for ourselves. As such, we've turned out with a positive view of ourselves and others, and it's likely we'll develop healthy relationships, but not be either overly dependent or independent. It's the happy medium, if you will. (I will.)

Next, there's the "avoidant" kind -- this poor kid was either often neglected or over-stimulated and has now turned out to pretty much be a loner. Now, each attachment style has its own pros and cons, but people who are avoidant are often less happy. Lastly, there's the "anxious-ambivalent" kind of people, who were given very sporadic treatment as a toddler (in terms of resposiveness) to the point where they barely knew what the hell to think anymore. Again, pros and cons... but these types of people are often insecure. Like I said, blame your parents if you want...

Learning about these types of attachments has obviously caused me to think a lot about my own style, as well as others. Pretty sure I've fallen into a pattern of trying to classify everyone I know (yeah, I know it's a tool-ish thing to do... but I guess that's what you should expect when you take a class like this). I classify my group of roommates (for the record, I'm pretty sure two are secure, one avoidant, and one anxious-ambivalent). I classify the friends I have. I classify my family members. Hell, I've started classifying fictional characters (hint: Dexter is certainly not the "secure" type!).

I have no particular anecdotes that demonstrate attachment theory, but I have certainly thought a lot more about my own childhood experiences... ah, memories. I guess I should thank my parents that I turned out so well! haha

Interpersonal Communication #6

Immediacy behaviors. Trust me, you know all about them. OK, sure, we're not all familiar with this technical jargon, but believe me, immediacy behaviors are used by each and every one of us in our relationships.

Defined by our friendly neighborhood textbook as "actions that signal warmth, communicate availability, decrease psychological or physical distance, and promote involvement between people," immediacy behaviors are something that every single one of us has recognized and used at some point in our lives. Unless you live under a rock and you've never met anybody. Simply put, these behaviors are how we get close to people!

Now, if we want to communicate closeness, we can implement any or all of these verbal and non-verbal behaviors. What are they, you ask? Immediacy behaviors include everything from our choice of words to the ways we address people, from our body movements to the eye contact we make. Each of these behaviors can be used in a way to communicate that we are becoming close(r) in relationship with somebody.

Now I'm not sure what sort of commentary to add to this reading. Chapter 6 talks about these behaviors as increasing intimacy, yet I can't seem to think that the wrong use of these behaviors will lead to anything BUT that. Take for example, the case of someone who just doesn't know how to act in social situations. Call him Coburn, call him anything you want, but this guy is just really bad at that whole "being normal" thing. Sure, this guy's been close with people, but often immediacy behaviors that work in one relationship certainly don't work in another!

How will our friend use immediacy behaviors like making excitable hand gestures and telling jokes? Well, he might use these to try to demonstrate a spontaneous and fun-loving sense of self -- it may be attractive and draw some people to him who want to be his friend. However, those same behaviors could repulse others... "Did he just tell that joke? He's so stupid, I would never want to be friends with him!" Sure, it's a drastic example, but I think it demonstrates that some behaviors can be used to draw people closer, but can actually tend to push others away. Don't believe me? Try making intense eye contact with the next random person you meet. Do that, and I guarantee the relationship will last all of 5 seconds. You're not really gonna draw too close to that person... In fact, you'll just be pretty damn creepy.

Interpersonal Communication #5

Because chapter 5 was oh-so-lengthy, I get to write 2 blog posts about it! Could life get better?!?! Yes, if I had Oreos and peanut butter as I write this, it could. Alas, whole-grain Goldfish will have to do. Turns out, Ch. 5 has some really great stuff to cover, specifically regarding how relationships intensify.

Now I know I already wrote about breadth and depth of self-disclosure, but there is another theory about relationship intensification that stands out. The "Turning-Point Approach" is worth writing about, for a number of reasons. First, it's a unique way to look at our relationships. Second, I have a kick-ass example to write about. And third, it's true. Probably... I guess it's up to you, and that's why they call it a "theory." Nevertheless, it certainly seems to resonate with many of my relationships.

"Alright, get to the punchline," you're probably saying. Well, the TPA--that's a technical term coined by the experts that I now like to use--states that there are many different, specific events in our relationships that are crucial to our relational development. Hence, they act as"turning points" in our relationship, for better or for worse. For instance, your first kiss with someone or the first time you meet the family... each is a specific event that has the possibility of propelling the relationship or even terminating it.

Now, I think this seems pretty logical. I know from experience that it's pretty tough to not let any sort of major events affect your relationship in any way. Therefore, it is my belief that the theory seems pretty resonable. To illustrate this point (here comes the kick-ass part you've been waiting for), I want to talk about the Bryant Players' show that I went to see last weekend. (OK, I admit, it's really not as great of an example as I've been trying to hype).

In the show--titled "All in the Timing"--the audience observed a young couple developing a relationship over a short period of time in which each action had a specific consequence to the relationship. While the show serves simply as a small example of a much smaller-scale relationship, it was still very interesting to see the different effects on the central couple's relationship. The witty and clever script gave the actors different lines and actions that affected the relationship. The best part: every time one of the actions was made/lines was said that made the relationship take a turn for the worst, a bell was rung to signify the character must "try again" with a different turning point that would develop the relationship instead of hurt it.

Sure, this example is slightly out of context, but when thinking about the Turning-Point Approach, it seems to fit perfectly. Regardless, I now know that it's certainly a big turning point to ask a girl to marry you on your first date -- and it's certainly not a good turning point.

Interpersonal Communication #4

Ugggghhh, I literally just wrote this 4th blog post, then went to publish it. Then, it told me there was an error, and it couldn't be posted (and I lost the entire post I had just written). As such, this new post I'm writing is much shorter than it should have been, because I don't have the time or energy to write it all over again. What a pain in the ass. Procrastination FTW!

Anyway, two blog posts in one day! I am a procrastinator, so now (just days before these posts are actually due), I am finally getting around to reading and journaling. Chapter 5 is tonight's discussion -- seems to give me enough to talk about, as the bulk of the chapter discusses self-disclosure in our relationships.


Now, looking at this topic, I can think of plenty of awkward situations to mention that relate perfectly to the chapter! haha... now, I need to come up with the most interesting, weird, or relatable one. Before I get ahead of myself, I must explain what I mean by self-disclosure in relationships. Basically, it means the amount of things you're willing to reveal about yourself, depending on the different level of relationship you have. Self-disclosure will reach a greater depth (more intimacy) and breadth (wider range of topics you reveal) as your relationship grows from superficial to social to a core rleationship.

Obviously, I'm not going to go up to the cashier at the grocery store and say "my girlfriend broke up with me, because she says I don't listen, I'm afraid of commitment, and I smell. (disclaimer: this DID NOT happen. really.) No, this is a superficial relationship; thus, I'm more likely to go up and disclose very little, but instead ask "Hey, what do you think of all this snow we've been getting?" or "Seen any good movies that are out lately?"

On the other hand, as a relationship becomes social, self-disclosure becomes a little more intimate and has a broader range. We start to reveal more about oursleves. Asking for advice about a class or revealing an experience that made you grow stronger can be improtant to growing those relationships... Eventually, they may grow to your closest, core relationships, where self-disclosure is at its greatest. Furthermore, I can have superficial conversations with one of my core relationships, but I'm not limited to just that -- I have a greater depth and breadth of self-disclosure (which is usually mutual for one of these types of relationships). For instance, if I wanted some advice about whether or not to trasfer schools, or I wanted to confide in someone about a recent friend problem, I could do that with someone that I've known and disclosed more to over time.

Of course, there are those times when people you don't know very well (or even at all) cross a whole lotta boundaries in a very short time -- like when I get hugged by random strangers on "National Hugs Day" (which I am almost positive has to be a fictitious Facebook event for high school students). All of this talk brings me to my funny story for the day. When someone discloses way too much about themselves in a very short amount of time, it can be very awkward, and will either turn very funny or incredibly uncomfortable. Take this instance from a few months ago:

As an RA on campus, I often have inebriated residents come up to me to do one of two things: either tell me how much they love me or tell me how much of an ass I am. However, on this particular weekend night, a student who I had never seen before thought it would be a bright idea (drunk as he was) to come up to me, tell me that he planned on having sex with as many girls as he could that night, then proceed to ask me who the best girls to bed on campus were... WTF? First of all, who is this loser? Second, what kind of question is that? Thirdly, at a school of over 3,000 students, what makes him think I'm qualified to answer him? I told him that he should head back to his own room, since his night was probably over, and I didn't want him causing a ruckus that could get out of hand. He then decided it was the perfect time to start crying, lean on my shoulder, and tell me that none of his girlfirends had ever liked him... Hmmm, gee, I wonder what made him think that...? Apparently, for him, drunk self-disclosure knew no depth or breadth. Go figure.

Interpersonal Communication #3

Chapter 3's topic: attraction! And, it's Valentine's Day today -- oh boy! Let's talk about attraction. No, really, let's talk about it, because it pisses me off to be alone on Valentine's Day. Today, I described this blessed holiday to a friend: it's like Christmas, full of joy and happiness, and you love to enjoy it and give/get presents, and you love watching other people enjoy it too. However, this Christmas, you get nothing. Sure, it's a great day for many people, and you know in the back of your mind that someday, at some point, you'll love Valentine's Day. But for now, you get coal. Screw you, Cupid!

Moving on from my rant... attraction takes many forms, and we can be attracted to people for many different reasons, whether those reasons are physical, relational, sexual, chemical, or, yes, fatal. Dun-dun-duuuh! Oddly enough, I realize that I have never really bothered to classify anything that I feel as attraction, besides a small crush on the cute girl who sits two seats over in class. My textbook, though, wishes to teach me something different. Attraction is not just sexual tension, but the feeling we get when we desire a relationship with someone -- not necessarily a romantic relationship, but any type of relationship. This means I'm attracted to everyone who I want to be friends with, who I want to learn or gain something from, or who I desire to "get to know."

So let's go over some of these types. First on the agenda, we've got social attraction. I get this one -- it means that I'm attracted to the people in the Bryant Players, because I want to hang with them and I love to act on stage like thy do. Next, we've got physical attraction. Let me tell you, when I see a striking pair (of eyes, that is), I know that something draws me to that girl who glances my way. Thirdly, sexual attraction -- must I explain this one?

Next, relational attraction... it means that you're attracted to someone because you can't stand the thought of not being "in a relationship," and that person seems like they'll fill the need rather well. Now, as much as I mope about V-Day, I can't say I've ever felt this one, because I am more of a commitment kind of guy. We've also got chemical attraction, which gives us a physical sense that the other person is interesting (we simply get a chemical flow in our veins that causes a reaction in us). And let's not forget about fatal attraction, where a wedge is driven in your relationship by the very same qualities that attracted you to that person. When I first met a buddy of mine, I thought it was so "cool" that he had an "I-don't-care" attitude, but when we actually became friends, he really bugged the crap out of me when he just literally couldn't care less about anything.

The last type of attraction, though, is the one I want to talk more about: task attraction. No, it doesn't mean you're attracted to cleaning the bathroom, because that job looks Oh So Fun! It means, there is a task you have as a goal, and you're attracted to someone else merely for the fact that they can help you reach your goal. Ummm, can I point out this is USING people... kinda of a jerk move. Theoretically, though, let's say I'm guilty of doing this. Not saying that I am (though I defnitely am)... I just want to examine if a task attraction always counts as using someone, or if it can actually develop into a good relationship. I think the answer is yes, it can become more than just a usurious relationship; however, I think it would really suck for the other person to find out that you were only attracted at a "task" level initially.

Thinking of this makes me think of about 1,001 romantic comedies (oh great, I've still got V-Day on the brain). Now, before I give my example, I've got to do some "corrective facework" and make my excuse: growing up with 5 sisters means that I've seen them all, from The Notebook to The Wedding Singer to Legally Blonde to Mamma Mia! So, in honor of this festive day, I'm going to give an example, using one of the movies that I can actually stomach (hey, growing up the way I did, you've gotta learn to like 'em -- when it comes down to renting a movie, I certainly get overthrown on my Die Hard choice).

In 27 Dresses, Katherine Heigl's character is a (frazzled, organized, and cliched) typical rom-com woman, who is so selfless that she's been her friends' bridesmaid 27 times, but has yet to be the bride (cue: Awwww!). The (charming, cynical, and cliched) typical rom-com guy is a reporter who needs one big story to fill the wedding section of his paper, and then he'll finally get his big promotion. Hence, reporter-guy is initially attracted to our friend Katie, since he realizes she can be his ticket to a pay-raise and front-page story. Of course, heroine Katie eventually finds out that he is essentially using her, but--after a 5-minute montage of moping and a split-second-but-actually-few-months-long breakup--comes to her senses and realizes that he's her true love. Reporter guy is ecstatic, because his "task attraction" has now become "sexual attraction" -- and that, my friend, is Hollywood's formula for an instant romantic comedy! Just add chocolate and pop music, then stir until it is sufficiently sweet and sickening.

Bottom line, Hollywood has taught me some things about attraction. Namely, attraction doesn't always (read: never does) work the way it does in the movies, but attraction certainly can take different forms. Now let's drink to being single on Valentine's Day.

Interpersonal Communication #2

Identity. Apparently, everyone builds one by disclosing information, including personality traits, habits, likes/dislikes, and many other things. In reading chapter 2 of my textbook, I found it fascinating to hear of theories, such as the "looking-glass slef" and others. But one of the most applicable and interesting things was learning about "corrective facework."

So what does that mean, you ask? Well, let's start at the very beginning ("a very good place to start..." Shit, now I have that stupid Sound of Music song stuck in my head. Moving on!). Our identity is defined by how we present ourselves and what we want others to think of us, but also the feedback we get of what others actually think of us. Hence, if something is said or done that we don't like--because we don't want that to be our identity--we try to slap a band-aid on it to "save face," so to speak. This is what corrective facework means.

There are different types of corrective facework (or so I read... I wouldn't really have bothered to give my actions labels, but my textbook tells me to). These can include apologies, accounts (trying to justify what happened), humor, avoidance, aggression, and remediation. Now, if anybody other than someone knowledgeable in the Communication field were to read this, it would look like jargon. Hence, allow me to explain with an example from my own life (and an irritating example at that... Why must I re-hash situations that pissed me off the first time? Anyway, rant over):

When I think of traits that I consider to make up my identity, a few come to mind: devilishly handsome, insanely boring, hopelessly romantic, genius, incredibly shy, athletic, sardonic. Ok, so anyone who knows me knows that I'm kidding... Many of these do not apply, but there is one trait that I consider a key aspec of my identity: my organization skills. I have always been (and, had it not been for this situation, probably would have always continued to be) a freakishly organized person. However, at the start of last semester, I had way too much crap that I moved into my dorm room, and I couldn't find the time to get everything put away. As such, I had a gigantic pile of papers, clothing, and assorted paraphernalia in the center of my room for much of last semester. Believe me, this pile of crap (approximate diameter: 5 feet) occupied as much of my mind as it did my room, yet I had nary a second to spare to actually sort through it and clean it up. Bear with me, this story has a point.

Things get interesting when I realize how much this pile actually affected my identity. All last semester, friends would come over and say things like, "Wow Coburn, you are so disorganized!" and "Coburn, do you ever clean?" As much as I tried corrective facework--whether I told them that I was planning on cleaning that night or I had just gotten sick and had no energy to be organized--I started to realize that this pile was single-handedly commiting identity theft! Was I really an organized person? I was certainly not being validated by others who knew me, so maybe that meant I was actually someone different than I thought I was.

The corrective facework I tried started with excuses, but it moved to humor as the semester went on. "Oh, I'm thinking of putting a blanket on the pile and letting people use it like a beanbag chair," or "Yeah, that pile is so organized that your brain can't even understand what it's seeing"... Alas, all was to no avail -- I eventually turned to aggression. Thanksgiving rolled around, and my once-organized self was now incredibly threatened by what friends were saying. I no longer felt like "organized" was a part of my identity, as my "corrective facework" had been anything but. So I grabbed a big plastic bag, picked up all the papers and shit, threw everything into the bag, and marched out to the dumpster. Problem solved! :)

I should stop writing now, though. I haven't been able to find my watch in months, and I can't think of what I could have done with it.

Interpersonal Communication #1

To start off my Interpersonal Communication class this semester, I am assigned to write a blog that documents my thoughts on the weekly readings -- weird? I think not. I'm actually kind of excited, as it gives me an excuse to blog again. Since I just got the textbook in (ugh, finally!), even though the semester started a couple of weeks ago, I am a little behind; hence, I'll be writing 4 blogs before next week. Anyway, that's enough of an introduction for my followers. Let the commentary commence!

Upon reading chapter 1, I am struck with quite a few interesting thoughts. Namely--since this chapter specifically deals with defining the various principles amidst our relationships--I am left thinking about my own relationships. The chapter starts off defining three different types of relationships we can have: "role," "interpersonal," or "close" relationships, each defined by a specific set of characteristics.

Now, as any friend/family member/acquaintance/boss/classmate/co-worker/rival/minion/etc. of mine knows, I am someone who values relationships. For whatever purpose they serve, I feel there can be a benefit to each individual one. However, that's not to say I've ever cared to put a coherent thought into how to classify my relationships. The guy who looks at his watch and tells me the time is as much a "friend" to me as the chick who can never seem to get my coffee order right at Dunks (seriously! I'm not at Starbucks, there's no extra soy shit to pump into my drink. I simply asked for it to be light!). But I digress... the point is, I've never bothered to classify these relationships. But, as luck would have it, I get to classify them now! What joy!

Role relationships can classify the aforementioned interactions that I have on a daily basis; but I guess I never realized how many I had! Every time I communicate within one of these types of interactions, I am aiming to fulfill a goal that I have (find out the time, get a light coffee, etc). Once the goal is met, the relationship is over. Kaput. Goodbye. That's all folks... Actually, I guess that's how it is supposed to work. However, I feel that a good percentage of my role relationships eventually morph into interpersonal relationships.

For me, it's difficult to understand where my relationships morph. Sure, I can distinguish which ones simply fulfill a role (and, yes, I do feel more powerful after reading this chapter! :D) versus which ones involve repeated interactions that mutually influence us. But I notice that many of my role relationships have started to morph into interpersonal relationships. Granted, for every one "role relationship" that morphs, five more pop up to take its place -- damn things are like cockroaches. Again I digress...

Take, for instance, my relationship with Marge, the lunch lady outside Salmo. She takes my ID card and swipes it so that I now have access to all of Salmo's delicious glory (excuse me while I puke). That's it. That's her role. Let me into the dining hall. BUUUUT, I've been here at Bryant for 5 semesters, and our repeated interactions have made me, y'know, kinda friends with her. She lets me into the dining hall and asks me about her day; I ask her about her day, tell her a funny story or two, or tell her to just hang in there. Once, I was even so nice as to buy her a book of crossword puzzles one day (hold your applause please). Voila! It seems my relationship has morphed! That's not to say that it's a close relationship, though.

Irreplaceable close relationships, for me, are few and far between. Sure, I have my family and a few friends who are as close as family, and I definitely have a lot of friends. But reading this chapter sort of made me think about all of my friends -- I'm really involved in a lot on campus, but am I really close with a lot of people? Can I honestly say I get a lot of my needs fulfilled by students who I wave to in the dining hall or classmates I study for finals with? I don't think so.

But now this brings me to a big question of my own: where do I draw the line between interpersonal and close relationships? I don't want to give so many of my friends the big ole' "middle finger of technical communication terms" by calling these relationships "interpersonal," instead of "close"... but at the same time, I don't necessarily think I'd share many secrets or heavily confide in more than just a handful of people I know. I guess this is something I'm going to have to think about and discover more as the semester goes on...