Tonight's topic is of particular interest for those of you who are overly analytical (like me)! We are talking about interdependence in relationships -- reading chapter 10 and learning about it in class wasn't quite enough, because I am now deeply pondering this topic. It is plaguing me.
Interdependence exists in every relationship; it is what eventually leads to the commitment levels we have in a relationship, the stability of it, and whether or not we are actually satisfied and want to stay in the relationship. Interdependence, in short, is how much we depend on the other person for benefits/resources/etc. and how much they depend on us, in turn. No doubt, just thinking about this topic should start to make you think of what you get out of your relationships.
Going hand-in-hand with this concept is that of equity. (uggh, even switching to a communication major cannot help me escape from those business terms :/)... Equity, according to our friendly neighborhood textbook, tries to determine whether distribution of resources are fair or not between relational partners. To try to balance out our equity and give us reason to stay in the relationship, we try to maximize the rewards we get from a relationship and reduce the costs.
So what does all this mean? Take, for instance, a relationship with a friend who always wants to talk with you about his/her problems. The cost for you: time, stress, etc. The benefits: you feel good about yourself, you grow close, etc. We try to weigh these in our relationships to decide if we are each equally putting a fair amount into the relationship and taking a fair amount from it. I know, for me at least, that I have many relationships where equity seems perfectly balanced -- ying and yang, Mickey and Minnie, peas and carrots, Harry and Lloyd. You get the point.
So what happens with those relationships where equity does not balance out? Should you just call it quits? My opinion is that it is your own personal choice. I know that I can certainly think of a couple relationships where I put a lot in but get almost nothing out... you know, that annoying friend we all have who just makes fun of you, is pessimistic, and is a general asshole. For me, though, the benefit is actually putting up with that kind of person (to a certain extent). I actually feel good about myself when I am nice in return, and the benefit I get is just being a kind person. Oh, who am I kidding? People like that suck.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Interpersonal Communication #7
Chapter 7: Attachment Theory. If you don't like the way you turned out, blame your parents. No, seriously. Attachment theory tells us that the way your primary caregiver responds to you when you're a child will eventually affect the way you turn out -- how "attached" you are in relationships.
To start off, let me briefly the three types of attachment. There is the "securely attached" kind, which is pretty much the majority of us. As little tykes, our parents knew when to attend to us and our needs, but also knew the right ways to let us fend for ourselves. As such, we've turned out with a positive view of ourselves and others, and it's likely we'll develop healthy relationships, but not be either overly dependent or independent. It's the happy medium, if you will. (I will.)
Next, there's the "avoidant" kind -- this poor kid was either often neglected or over-stimulated and has now turned out to pretty much be a loner. Now, each attachment style has its own pros and cons, but people who are avoidant are often less happy. Lastly, there's the "anxious-ambivalent" kind of people, who were given very sporadic treatment as a toddler (in terms of resposiveness) to the point where they barely knew what the hell to think anymore. Again, pros and cons... but these types of people are often insecure. Like I said, blame your parents if you want...
Learning about these types of attachments has obviously caused me to think a lot about my own style, as well as others. Pretty sure I've fallen into a pattern of trying to classify everyone I know (yeah, I know it's a tool-ish thing to do... but I guess that's what you should expect when you take a class like this). I classify my group of roommates (for the record, I'm pretty sure two are secure, one avoidant, and one anxious-ambivalent). I classify the friends I have. I classify my family members. Hell, I've started classifying fictional characters (hint: Dexter is certainly not the "secure" type!).
I have no particular anecdotes that demonstrate attachment theory, but I have certainly thought a lot more about my own childhood experiences... ah, memories. I guess I should thank my parents that I turned out so well! haha
To start off, let me briefly the three types of attachment. There is the "securely attached" kind, which is pretty much the majority of us. As little tykes, our parents knew when to attend to us and our needs, but also knew the right ways to let us fend for ourselves. As such, we've turned out with a positive view of ourselves and others, and it's likely we'll develop healthy relationships, but not be either overly dependent or independent. It's the happy medium, if you will. (I will.)
Next, there's the "avoidant" kind -- this poor kid was either often neglected or over-stimulated and has now turned out to pretty much be a loner. Now, each attachment style has its own pros and cons, but people who are avoidant are often less happy. Lastly, there's the "anxious-ambivalent" kind of people, who were given very sporadic treatment as a toddler (in terms of resposiveness) to the point where they barely knew what the hell to think anymore. Again, pros and cons... but these types of people are often insecure. Like I said, blame your parents if you want...
Learning about these types of attachments has obviously caused me to think a lot about my own style, as well as others. Pretty sure I've fallen into a pattern of trying to classify everyone I know (yeah, I know it's a tool-ish thing to do... but I guess that's what you should expect when you take a class like this). I classify my group of roommates (for the record, I'm pretty sure two are secure, one avoidant, and one anxious-ambivalent). I classify the friends I have. I classify my family members. Hell, I've started classifying fictional characters (hint: Dexter is certainly not the "secure" type!).
I have no particular anecdotes that demonstrate attachment theory, but I have certainly thought a lot more about my own childhood experiences... ah, memories. I guess I should thank my parents that I turned out so well! haha
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