Chapter 13 is a treasure trove of relational transgressions... these are the offenses that can harm our relationships in more ways than one. But since there are many, I want to talk about one of the most important--even most common--ways: deception. Deception comes in many types. Outright lying, hiding secrets, telling half-truths, and "conveniently forgetting some details" (my personal favorite method) are all forms of deception.
Deception can really hurt if/when it is uncovered. It can break a relationship apart or even have worse consequences than telling the truth would have had. So why do we do it? Well, there are different motives of deception, each of which will affect whether or not we choose to deceive.
The first motive is partner-focused deception. This is the type of deception that looks out for your partner's well-being. You don't want them to get hurt, and/or you think this deception is helping their self esteem. If my girlfriend says "does this make me look fat?" and I say "no" (when in fact she looks like Free Willy), I might be lying to protect her from the truth (and protect my face from being knocked in).
The second motive is self-focused. As you might be able to tell from the title, this is the type of deception that looks out for yourself, so you won't get hurt. It can even be a deception that makes you look better. For instance, if I went out on a date and told the girl I was a millionaire, this might make me more attractive to her. Hence, for me, it would be very self-focused.
The last motive for deception is relationship-focused. This motive tries to avoid interpersonal conflict or steer the relationship away from experiencing some unpleasant event. While the "partial truth" may be something harmless, relationship-focused deception is the kind that can be well-meaning, but still very harmful if it is found out. For instance, if I go to the movies with a group of friends, including my ex-girlfriend, a relationship-focused deception strategy would be to just tell my current girlfriend that I went to the movie with friends (and "conveniently omit" the fact that my ex was there).
All in all, deception can seem like a good idea, but trust me when I say it is a crappy one. I have tried too many times to hide the truth, but perhaps my atrocious poker face gives away what's really going on. The shit storm that follows is very often not pretty.
Well, that's all for today (and the semester, I guess). Wasn't this fun?! Guess I'll continue to try to blog anyway, if I find the time. Until next time, cheers!
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