Interpersonal Communication #12

And so we come to the end -- the final journal of my Interpersonal Communication theory-filled semester. Can't say I'm happy to see it go, since I've quite enjoyed over-analyzing my life to a point of obsession.

Chapter 13 is a treasure trove of relational transgressions... these are the offenses that can harm our relationships in more ways than one. But since there are many, I want to talk about one of the most important--even most common--ways: deception. Deception comes in many types. Outright lying, hiding secrets, telling half-truths, and "conveniently forgetting some details" (my personal favorite method) are all forms of deception.

Deception can really hurt if/when it is uncovered. It can break a relationship apart or even have worse consequences than telling the truth would have had. So why do we do it? Well, there are different motives of deception, each of which will affect whether or not we choose to deceive.

The first motive is partner-focused deception. This is the type of deception that looks out for your partner's well-being. You don't want them to get hurt, and/or you think this deception is helping their self esteem. If my girlfriend says "does this make me look fat?" and I say "no" (when in fact she looks like Free Willy), I might be lying to protect her from the truth (and protect my face from being knocked in).

The second motive is self-focused. As you might be able to tell from the title, this is the type of deception that looks out for yourself, so you won't get hurt. It can even be a deception that makes you look better. For instance, if I went out on a date and told the girl I was a millionaire, this might make me more attractive to her. Hence, for me, it would be very self-focused.

The last motive for deception is relationship-focused. This motive tries to avoid interpersonal conflict or steer the relationship away from experiencing some unpleasant event. While the "partial truth" may be something harmless, relationship-focused deception is the kind that can be well-meaning, but still very harmful if it is found out. For instance, if I go to the movies with a group of friends, including my ex-girlfriend, a relationship-focused deception strategy would be to just tell my current girlfriend that I went to the movie with friends (and "conveniently omit" the fact that my ex was there).

All in all, deception can seem like a good idea, but trust me when I say it is a crappy one. I have tried too many times to hide the truth, but perhaps my atrocious poker face gives away what's really going on. The shit storm that follows is very often not pretty.

Well, that's all for today (and the semester, I guess). Wasn't this fun?! Guess I'll continue to try to blog anyway, if I find the time. Until next time, cheers!

Interpersonal Communication #11

Chapter 14 deals with everyone's favorite topic: conflict. Oh boy, this can be a hefty topic to jump into. Wars are started because of it. Societies crumble because of it. They even teach whole classes on it! (No, really, they do. I took one last semester.)

Conflict is something none of us are strangers to. Whether we like it or not, we all have to deal with it. Obviously, conflict can weaken our relationships. However, it also has the immense power to strengthen them -- what really matters is how we deal with our conflicts.

There are many styles we can use to deal with conflict. Among them, there are people who avoid, people who compete, people who collaborate, people who compromise, yada, yada, yada (love Seinfeld!). The list goes on and on... many tactics can be used, depending on personality type. For me, I know that I am very competitive and tend to think of conflict as a battle where I need to et the upper hand. The toughest types of people for me to deal with are the ones who avoid. I cannot STAND when my friends bottle things up and become passive-aggressive... way to be an ass!

Different tactics can come into play during conflict, as well -- and many of them are destructive. Bonus: some of them even have really funny names! Like "gunnysacking," which is where you store up a plethora of offenses, then "dump" them all on the person you're conflicting with all at once. There's also "kitchen-sinking," where you bring up past arguments and offenses that are long over. Admittedly, I have been guilty of some of these, but it doesn't mean I haven't recognized these harmful methods.

Currently, we can look to TV for many examples of conflict (albeit played out in a very Hollywood-esque way!). NBC currently airs a show called "Perfect Couples," a comedy that looks at three couples who all handle conflict in different ways. Admittedly, the show is not very good, but each episode is a guilty pleasure of mine and always makes me laugh and think about my way of handling conflicts. For instance, in the pilot episode, each of the three couples are faced with the same dilemma: one person hogs the entire bed, while their respective partners each figure out a different way to get back onto the bed and let their significant other know how they feel about the lack of space/courtesy.

When Amy takes up too much room on the bed, Vance gets competitive, wakes her up, and they get into a huge fight about their bad behaviors (a lot of kitchen-sinking here!). When Lee takes up the bed, Rex avoids conflict and takes the floor. And when Julia makes the whole space hers, Dave tries to compromise by just curling up in the fetal position and taking the small bit of empty space that is left. Comical, but very true to how many of us act in life.

I could write a lot more about conflict here, but I have already written massive papers about it, had many exams on it, and experienced it more times than I would like. For now, I have to get to sleep... And I can have the bed all to myself.

Interpersonal Communication #10

Our next topic is privacy and secrecy in relationships. To make this applicable, I am going to use personal experiences. And since this is a blog that averages 1.8 viewers a month, I am going to post all my intimate secrets here.

Not really.

But see my point? I don't post all my secrets, because there are some parts to each of us that we keep private from anybody else. And this is a part of every single one of our relationships in life.

Boundaries!

These are established in all of our relationships, and it's no doubt that each of us have had to negotiate these with our different relational partners. Mom wants too much information about your social life? A friend asks something deeply personal? These are examples where boundaries need to be set between what you reveal and what you keep private.

Of course, there is a challenge that comes into some relationships, and it's a dramatic one! Obsessive Relational Intrusion -- "DUH, DUH, DUUUH!!" (haha, I just love the name of this -- it is so over-the-top! :P)

Obsessive Relational Intrusion (or ORI... see what I did there?) takes many forms, and I can guarantee that I have experience with many of them. I think I am kind of an ORI perpetrator, in some ways. But aren't we all? I love to prod people for juicy gossip, but it can sometimes start pushing the envelope of privacy. I guess I'd better watch it from now on. :/

Conversely, there are plenty of times when certain people in my life have used annoying behavior, passive-aggressive texts, and many other forms to pry into my life. I have this one friend who maybe thinks we are closer than we are, and this person always asks nosy questions, then gets "offended" when I don't reveal them -- it's like dealing with a pouty baby!

So should I take it as a compliment when ORI is used against me? Or should I be worried that said perpetrator may turn into a stalker? "DUH, DUH, DUUUH!!"

Interpersonal Communication #9

Well, we are backtracking to Chapter 4 -- and a good topic it is, indeed! Uncertainty. It can be exciting, or it can really piss us off... either way, it means we have no idea what to expect.

Uncertainty is a key topic in many of our relationships. Sometimes we wish to remain uncertain about our relational partner, because we may not want to know a horrible fact. ("You can't handle the truth!"... sorry, couldn't resist...) Other times--actually, from my experience, most of the time--we want to reduce that uncertainty.

Uncertainty can really make us uncomfortable. Just ask my friend who refused to try anything other than McDonald's when we were all in Germany. Not a single brezel or bratwurst... she needed her frickin Happy Meal. Whatever... But I get it -- uncertainty is not something that many people are comfortable with, yet it's something in every one of our relationships.

Think of it this way: when you meet someone, your guard is certainly up, because you are not certain of what you can expect. Why do you think I've never asked a girl on a date? (by the way, that's not true. or maybe it is.) Because I am uncertain of the reaction I'll get. Will she say yes? Will she morph her face into a horrific shriek? Will she throw her drink in my face? Will she just laugh?

Bottom line, I guess I really see the need for uncertainty in some relationships, but I still think it makes things overcomplicated and uncomfortable. And people generally feel that way, because we all want to reduce it. That's why we grow close with people -- over time, we break down wall after wall of uncertainty.

I am still not certain of many of my friends' reactions to my sense of humor. But it doesn't stop me from making a witty comment (read: attempting to tell a funny joke). Am I trying to break down uncertainty each time I joke? Why is there still uncertainty? I think talking this through has now made me sufficiently confused, to tell the truth... I've thought about so many of my own relationships, and now I'm kinda depressed about uncertainty. I'm gonna go eat a Happy Meal.

Interpersonal Communication #8

Tonight's topic is of particular interest for those of you who are overly analytical (like me)! We are talking about interdependence in relationships -- reading chapter 10 and learning about it in class wasn't quite enough, because I am now deeply pondering this topic. It is plaguing me.

Interdependence exists in every relationship; it is what eventually leads to the commitment levels we have in a relationship, the stability of it, and whether or not we are actually satisfied and want to stay in the relationship. Interdependence, in short, is how much we depend on the other person for benefits/resources/etc. and how much they depend on us, in turn. No doubt, just thinking about this topic should start to make you think of what you get out of your relationships.

Going hand-in-hand with this concept is that of equity. (uggh, even switching to a communication major cannot help me escape from those business terms :/)... Equity, according to our friendly neighborhood textbook, tries to determine whether distribution of resources are fair or not between relational partners. To try to balance out our equity and give us reason to stay in the relationship, we try to maximize the rewards we get from a relationship and reduce the costs.

So what does all this mean? Take, for instance, a relationship with a friend who always wants to talk with you about his/her problems. The cost for you: time, stress, etc. The benefits: you feel good about yourself, you grow close, etc. We try to weigh these in our relationships to decide if we are each equally putting a fair amount into the relationship and taking a fair amount from it. I know, for me at least, that I have many relationships where equity seems perfectly balanced -- ying and yang, Mickey and Minnie, peas and carrots, Harry and Lloyd. You get the point.

So what happens with those relationships where equity does not balance out? Should you just call it quits? My opinion is that it is your own personal choice. I know that I can certainly think of a couple relationships where I put a lot in but get almost nothing out... you know, that annoying friend we all have who just makes fun of you, is pessimistic, and is a general asshole. For me, though, the benefit is actually putting up with that kind of person (to a certain extent). I actually feel good about myself when I am nice in return, and the benefit I get is just being a kind person. Oh, who am I kidding? People like that suck.

Interpersonal Communication #7

Chapter 7: Attachment Theory. If you don't like the way you turned out, blame your parents. No, seriously. Attachment theory tells us that the way your primary caregiver responds to you when you're a child will eventually affect the way you turn out -- how "attached" you are in relationships.

To start off, let me briefly the three types of attachment. There is the "securely attached" kind, which is pretty much the majority of us. As little tykes, our parents knew when to attend to us and our needs, but also knew the right ways to let us fend for ourselves. As such, we've turned out with a positive view of ourselves and others, and it's likely we'll develop healthy relationships, but not be either overly dependent or independent. It's the happy medium, if you will. (I will.)

Next, there's the "avoidant" kind -- this poor kid was either often neglected or over-stimulated and has now turned out to pretty much be a loner. Now, each attachment style has its own pros and cons, but people who are avoidant are often less happy. Lastly, there's the "anxious-ambivalent" kind of people, who were given very sporadic treatment as a toddler (in terms of resposiveness) to the point where they barely knew what the hell to think anymore. Again, pros and cons... but these types of people are often insecure. Like I said, blame your parents if you want...

Learning about these types of attachments has obviously caused me to think a lot about my own style, as well as others. Pretty sure I've fallen into a pattern of trying to classify everyone I know (yeah, I know it's a tool-ish thing to do... but I guess that's what you should expect when you take a class like this). I classify my group of roommates (for the record, I'm pretty sure two are secure, one avoidant, and one anxious-ambivalent). I classify the friends I have. I classify my family members. Hell, I've started classifying fictional characters (hint: Dexter is certainly not the "secure" type!).

I have no particular anecdotes that demonstrate attachment theory, but I have certainly thought a lot more about my own childhood experiences... ah, memories. I guess I should thank my parents that I turned out so well! haha

Interpersonal Communication #6

Immediacy behaviors. Trust me, you know all about them. OK, sure, we're not all familiar with this technical jargon, but believe me, immediacy behaviors are used by each and every one of us in our relationships.

Defined by our friendly neighborhood textbook as "actions that signal warmth, communicate availability, decrease psychological or physical distance, and promote involvement between people," immediacy behaviors are something that every single one of us has recognized and used at some point in our lives. Unless you live under a rock and you've never met anybody. Simply put, these behaviors are how we get close to people!

Now, if we want to communicate closeness, we can implement any or all of these verbal and non-verbal behaviors. What are they, you ask? Immediacy behaviors include everything from our choice of words to the ways we address people, from our body movements to the eye contact we make. Each of these behaviors can be used in a way to communicate that we are becoming close(r) in relationship with somebody.

Now I'm not sure what sort of commentary to add to this reading. Chapter 6 talks about these behaviors as increasing intimacy, yet I can't seem to think that the wrong use of these behaviors will lead to anything BUT that. Take for example, the case of someone who just doesn't know how to act in social situations. Call him Coburn, call him anything you want, but this guy is just really bad at that whole "being normal" thing. Sure, this guy's been close with people, but often immediacy behaviors that work in one relationship certainly don't work in another!

How will our friend use immediacy behaviors like making excitable hand gestures and telling jokes? Well, he might use these to try to demonstrate a spontaneous and fun-loving sense of self -- it may be attractive and draw some people to him who want to be his friend. However, those same behaviors could repulse others... "Did he just tell that joke? He's so stupid, I would never want to be friends with him!" Sure, it's a drastic example, but I think it demonstrates that some behaviors can be used to draw people closer, but can actually tend to push others away. Don't believe me? Try making intense eye contact with the next random person you meet. Do that, and I guarantee the relationship will last all of 5 seconds. You're not really gonna draw too close to that person... In fact, you'll just be pretty damn creepy.